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December 19, 2013: This is a special public alert from the Office Of Zombie Eradication (OOZE).
Radioactive debris left over from the March, 2011 Tohoku, Japan earthquake and subsequent tsunami will soon reach the west coast of the N. American continent. This is expected to result in a zombie outbreak of record proportions.
The Tohoku earthquake was an exceptionally strong quake, measuring 9.0 on the Richter scale. The main quake was preceded by a strong 7.3 foreshock and was followed by number of aftershocks ranging in intensity from 6.4 to 7.9 in magnitude. The quakes produced a tsunami measuring 38 meters (125 feet) in height which struck Japan's east coast. The wave added to the devastation caused by the initial quake. Casualties from the quake and tsunami resulted in an estimated 15,000 dead - most from drowning in the tsunami flood waters. Hundreds of thousands of homes and businesses were destroyed and as many as 100,000 children were left orphaned.
The Tohoku disaster didn't stop with the earthquake and tsunami. The Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant was heavily damaged by the quake and tsunami. Two of the six reactors were damaged severely enough that their containment vessels failed causing a meltdown which released a large amount of radioactive contamination into the air and into the surrounding flood waters. This contamination was picked up by the disaster debris field and carried out to sea by the receding flood waters. This radioactive debris field has spent the last 3 years drifting east across the Pacific ocean, carried by ocean currents and pushed along by the trade winds. The debris covers an area the size of the state of Texas and is expected to make landfall on the west coast of N. America over the next year or two. Because of this, OOZE is issuing this alert to warn the public of a possible large increase in the zombie menace.
"Zombie-ism", the state of turning into a zombie, doesn't just happen. It is the result of a severe genetic mutation brought on by toxic chemicals or exposure to radioactive material. The mutation takes time and can be recognized by these warning signs:
- Increasing speech difficulty,
- Difficulty walking, foot dragging, and/or uncoordinated movements,
- Spontaneous moaning for no reason,
- Reluctance to go outside during daylight hours,
- Becoming increasingly nocturnal,
- Cravings for brain-based recipes like cow brains, fish heads, and hirnsuppe.
- Pasty colored skin and numerous skin lesions that won't heal.
Even though the radioactive debris is expected to hit the west coast, all parts of N. America should be on alert. The zombie mutation can remain dormant for months before taking hold of the victim. This means anyone who travels to or from the west coast over the next few years and is exposed to the radiation may have the zombie mutation without knowing it, only to transform into a zombie at a later date. Even worse, the unlucky traveler may carry traces of the radioactive contamination on their clothing and luggage exposing their community to the mutagen, thus causing a community-wide outbreak.
Everyone should be alert for the symptoms listed above. OOZE is recommending families have defensive measures in place should a large scale outbreak take place in their community. Remember, zombies are mindless and cannot be scared away or reasoned with. The mutation makes them highly resistant to levels of physical trauma that would easily kill a normal person. Effective weapons against zombies include large-bore shotguns with heavy lead shot (a 12-gauge with #2 shot or larger is recommended), assault-style rifles with large magazines, or heavy machetes if firearms are restricted in your area. Propane-based flame throwers commonly used to burn brush may also be used if there is little risk of setting surrounding structures on fire. (Keep in mind that a burning zombie can travel up to 150 yards while on fire before dropping.) Automated gun platforms designed to repel zombie attacks are being tested and should be available in the near future.
OOZE would like to remind you that with the right preparation, you need not fear a zombie outbreak. Contact authorities immediately if you suspect someone in your area is becoming a zombie. And remember that OOZE is here to help. Our mission is to keep you and your brain safe.